Editor’s Note (UK Edition):
In America’s second Trump presidency, the line between satire and policy grows thinner by the day. This memo — from newly installed Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth — was not actually leaked from the Pentagon. But if it were, it wouldn’t surprise anyone.
Our UK readers may be tempted to laugh. That’s fine. But remember: the last century taught us that what starts as nationalist theater can end as statecraft.
~Dunneagin
[Editor’s Note: As Trump 2.0 unfolds, few institutions are under greater strain than the U.S. military. In his second term, the Commander-in-Chief has moved swiftly to reshape America’s armed forces into something unprecedented: not a professional shield for the Republic, but a MAGA-branded tool of loyalty, spectacle, and profit. With former Fox & Friends host Pete Hegseth now confirmed as Secretary of Defense — yes, really — the Pentagon is transforming in real time.
What follows is a glimpse inside this new reality — an unauthorized “memo” circulating among the faithful, outlining the five key steps to MAGA-fy the U.S. military. Read it and weep — or laugh, before the next parade rolls by. ~Dunneagin]
How to MAGA-fy the U.S. Military in Five Easy Steps
(Unauthorized release of a memo from Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth)
CLASSIFIED — FOR PATRIOTS ONLY.
Do not share with: Pentagon careerists, NATO snowflakes, Deep State alphabet agencies (FBI, CIA, IRS, PTA).
MEMO
TO: President Donald J. Trump, Commander-in-Chief of Everything That Matters
FROM: Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, Fox & Friends Hero, Decorated Culture Warrior, Pentagon Renovator-in-Chief
Mr. President —
I am pleased to report that Operation MAGA-fy the Military is progressing beautifully.
As your humble servant and SecDef, I submit the following Five Easy Steps we are using to reshape the tired old U.S. military into a leaner, meaner, loyalty-first, Trump-powered force for good (and spectacle, and a little profit where appropriate).
By the time we’re done, sir, the Pentagon will no longer resemble a boring old fortress of globalist thinking — it will be a 24/7 Trump Parade with tactical capabilities.
Here is the plan:
Step 1: Purge the Pentagon. Plant the Faithful.
Our first move was to clean house.
Career officers with dusty books on strategy or dangerous ideas about constitutional oaths? Out. Gone. Shipped to Guam or, worse, offered book deals with the Brookings Institution.
In their place, we brought in real warriors — Fox News personalities, CPAC headliners, select Oath Keepers now fully rehabilitated, and a hand-picked group of Instagram veterans with excellent engagement metrics.
The loyalty test is simple: when shown a photo of you, sir, they must:
✅ Salute.
✅ Shout “Commander in Chief Trump!”
✅ Recite one MAGA policy pledge of their choice: “Tariffs forever,” “Allies pay up,” “More parades,” or my personal favorite: “No woke warriors.”
Those who fail are immediately transferred to the new Office of Patriotic Paperwork, where they will review every line of CRT training materials dating back to 1967.
Step 2: Parade the President.
Sir, we know your vision: the parade must never end.
Accordingly, we have established the Presidential Parade and Spectacle Division (PPSD) within the Pentagon. Its mission: ensure that at any moment, anywhere in the country, a Trump-led military parade can be mobilized within 72 hours — complete with:
MAGA-branded uniforms (red accents, gold trim)
Custom Trump tanks from Patriot Steel (a new MAGA defense contractor we helped establish — more on that in Step 3)
Marching bands performing “Proud to Be an American” on a loop
VIP seating for key influencers and donors
We have also begun training all of the Joint Chiefs in the new MAGA Salute Protocol — right hand over heart, left hand holding a Diet Coke, deep nod of respect. The photos will be spectacular.
Step 3: Monetize the Military.
As you taught us, sir: Why defend America for free?
To that end, we have accelerated the creation of a MAGA Military-Industrial Complex:
Defense contracts now flow to companies that proudly support you — firms aligned with Trumpworld and your many successful ventures.
Patriot Steel (co-owned by several fine MAGA donors) has already secured $3.2 billion in contracts for parade-ready tanks and border fortifications.
New surveillance drones are being purchased from MAGA Vision, an innovative startup founded in February 2025 by former Trump campaign aides.
· We are also exploring military-branded retail partnerships — recent success at Fort Liberty (hats flew off the shelves!) shows the potential of turning base visits into profit opportunities.
MAGA media influencers are helping promote Patriot Stocks — defense equities carefully selected for our loyal retail investors.
Meanwhile, our friends in Congress are moving forward on the Buy MAGA, Build America Act, which will ensure that every future military procurement supports American greatness — and, by extension, your leadership.
Step 4: Shake Down the Allies.
Sir, your instincts on NATO are unmatched.
We have made it clear to our European allies that American defense is now a subscription service:
Basic Package: 5% GDP contribution, occasional flyovers.
Silver Package: 10% GDP contribution, limited troop presence.
Gold Package: 15% GDP contribution, full defense coverage and a Trump golf weekend included.
Any ally who fails to pay risks immediate downgrade to “strategic nuisance” status. The Germans were upset at first, but their check is in the mail.
Your wisdom here has also opened the door for direct bilateral deals — a potential windfall for MAGA-friendly contractors and Trump-branded consulting services.
P.S. Greenland remains on our radar. The updated MAGA NATO map now includes “strategic acquisition targets” — and yes, we have contingency plans. As you once said, sir: “Why shouldn’t America have Greenland?”
Step 5: Prepare for the Domestic Front.
Finally, no modern military can neglect the home front.
Accordingly, we are expanding the use of National Guard units for domestic stability operations.
Our goals:
Maintain visible security presence in key battleground states — particularly during election season.
Deploy MAGA media teams to cover operations in real time.
Utilize new Patriot Drones to monitor potential sources of unrest (leftist rallies, fact-checking organizations, insufficiently patriotic journalists).
Additionally, we are training select units in the new Rapid Parade Deployment Protocol — ensuring that even in the event of civil unrest, we can maintain the appearance of a unified, MAGA-led America.
Conclusion
Sir, with these Five Easy Steps, we are well on our way to transforming the U.S. military into the kind of force America truly needs:
Loyal.
Visibly magnificent.
Monetized where appropriate.
Aligned with your vision of greatness.
Some critics may call this a hollowing-out of America’s shield. We call it Trumpifying the Shield — ensuring that when history salutes the American military, it salutes you first.
As always, I remain your loyal Secretary of Defense and chief parade designer.
FOR THE PARADE — FOR THE PRESIDENT — FOR THE REPUBLIC (maybe).
Signed,
Pete “Tank Pete” Hegseth
Secretary of Defense
End of Memo
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